ain't nothin like a pe-di baby...

don't lie.. you know that song. ;)

one, two, three and to the fo' snoop doggy dogg and dr. dre is at the do'
it's like this and like that and like this and uh
whoa. sorry about that. can't be helped. if you don't know that song please don't google it. if you do... it's on you. i warned you.

we had saved nail polish for when the big 5 years old came around. i blinked and then it was here. we are trying to put some special things in our parental 'bag of tricks' that celebrates the fact that getting older is not just about getting bigger. reveling in all the beauty and bliss of nail polish is part of that bridge between baby and little girl... and she skipped across it without even a thought.

she was ready.... and a little excited. :)

now when you save something... you better do that first time right. so we packed our purses, pre-thought out our color choices, and went for the first ever... mommy/daughter pedicure.

i wore the skirt that i was wearing at her baby shower nearly exactly 5 years before. it is one of my favorites. i kept looking down at the pattern and as i closed my eyes and soaked in the bubblies i could conjure up such vivid memories of that day... the feeling of teetering on the edge of something new... wanting to just dive in and yet realizing that you aren't quite sure what lies ahead. we are here again. i have never had a 'child'. i have had babies... and then bigger babies... but i can feel it... we are diving in. how i pray for the strength, wisdom and courage to be who she needs me to be. one day that skirt will be arianna's. i have a few of my parents clothes that i treasure. my dad's puff vest. my mom's hippie sweater. when i wrap up in them i feel this invisible string that i can follow back to my parent's youth.
back to before there was a me. one day she will be me and i will be them.
i have a feeling i will blink and it will be here like that.

 so to cap off our pedi time i said we could go up to target and pick out our own nail polish to have at home... i did have to break the news that we don't get to go have pedicures EVERY time we want to paint our nails. cruel world. ... but look at all the pretty choices... how can you ever pick?? except the pea green. how could you  ever pick THAT is the question? can you say fungus? ew.

 and for a healthy dose of keeping it real... and because i like the good with the bad. the rose with the thorns. the salty and sweet all mixed together. on trips to target with three small children by yourself where do you always end up never fails? in the dressing room with a hungry baby, books and toys that you picked up to use as bribes to not crawl out and look at people under their dressing room doors but that you are trying to remind them they will not be taking home so as to prevent the giant hissyfit at the checkout counter.

there will be a day i will use dressing rooms for trying on clothes again.. and i have a feeling i will miss these days... :)

hot pink polish with silver bling... not my first choice. but it really wasn't about me. so she got to pick... and i am not even lying-- her first choice was the yellow green. uh--- no. veto. i can live with hot pink and silver bling. it kind of reminds me of MY momma's toes. but i can deal. she of course chose violet... with firecrackers. :)

this girl is blossoming... right here in the palm of our hands.
i still remember the moment right before i held her for the first time...
i knew exactly what kind of moment that was.

it was the you don't go back kind of moment...

the there is only after today kind of moment..

the from now on i am a mommy kind of moment.
i was so ready.

i could see myself changing from a mile away. i could feel my heart hanging on with baited breath, hungry to trace the lines of a face i had only imagined, to hold the body i had felt spring to life in my innermost parts... and then she was here.
pink. perfect. mine.
my heart slipped out with her... i hadn't realized that as i was cradling life inside my body, my heart had wrapped itself around her and decided to stay. it is true what they say... your heart that used to be yours.. able to stay hard when needed, stay safe when it had to... well it falls in love and hitches it's star on this tiny bundle of hope and joy. it just starts walking around... running towards streets and places just out of reach. dangers outside of what you can control and a world that will wound.


5 years ago i held that little baby against my chest and knew that one life had ended and another begun. this little life has led me into the deepest secrets of my own soul, has revealed places inside me that were happy to be left alone thank you very much.

selfishness, pride, stubbornness, fear, restlessness, anger... they all hide in there.

one by one the name mother calls them out and the Lord sifts them like wheat.
gently culling the dark and exulting the light i am left whole...
i am left better... i am left more of what i was always meant to be.

5 years ago i became mother and every single moment of the rest of my life..
i am grateful.