the death of my selfishness

there are times when i forget what i'm doing.
times when the true meaning of my days is overcast by by the growing pile of laundry.
when the brain effort of making another grocery list just so 'these people' can eat it all and next week i can start over and do this all over again.. becomes overwhelming.


i can usually feel it start deep down in my chest.
it feels tight. a little angry. ridiculously put out.
'these people'.
they want. they need. they cry. they interrupt. they spill. they undo.
they ask... over and over and over again.
they follow me outside when i was just looking for a little space.
they fight about who touched the blue colored pencil last.
they can break in a moment what i was never able to... my pride.
they humble me.


i read this article http://www.nypost.com/p/entertainment/we_say_no_to_babies_and_yes_to_nyc_2i0q9vs7bKt4pcQfhbYNVO#.TjhSSo9XSqY.facebook 
earlier this summer.
it has been giving my soul little sucker punches ever since.
every time i am in one of those i'm sinking in selfishness moments that line screams at me from the cheap seats... 
"her life is my worst nightmare."
it can still bring tears to my eyes.


my head knows not to be sad.
i mean, the utter nonsense of it...
“I’m so career-driven, and I have to do yoga four times a week, and get my nails done — my boyfriend doesn’t see where I’m fitting a kid into all this.”
please..please for the love of humanity tell me you are joking.
there are certainly reasons to not feel called to motherhood.. and then there are reasons you should be embarrassed to say out loud.


it confounds me.


and then i remember.. that even i forget.
i birthed these babies. 
i hold these hands. 
i kiss these tummies and tickle these toes. 
i answer questions of utmost importance and total nonsense. 
i am the sun and the moon to three precious souls.
and even i forget sometimes.


i forget the gift they bring with their muddy feet and piercing shrieks. 
the gift that is covered in breakfast smoothie from head to toe. 
the gift that is found in the walk of shame out of a store with a screaming toddler. 


the gift of humility is a hard present to say thank you for. 
selfishness dies long and slow like a scene from an old western, clutching and grasping at straws.
it isn't pretty this dying to self.. i certainly don't get to do yoga four times a week. 


but do you know what i get to do?
i get to become better.
 i get to love till i'm spent and wake up full again in the morning.
i get to feel the end of my rope miraculously extend into whispered mantras.. 
patience, gentleness..self control.
i get to dig deeper, love truer, and release more than i ever would have on my own.
and those are just the hard days.


the good days are so sweet and pure and lovely my heart bursts even trying to name it.


the death of my selfishness 
smells like freshly scrubbed babies. 
it sounds like little voices calling out and naming me the object of their affection. 
it tastes of pretend tea and plastic food lovingly prepared and brought to me on a tray. 
it feels like chubby arms around my neck and open mouth baby kisses on my chin.
it looks like God's work in me.
 a new heart. another day. a beautiful gift.

and just for good measure...
some sweet little lulu pictures. :)

i choose yes to babies. 

i choose yes to loving someone more than myself. 

i choose yes to the desecration of my private time and uninterrupted sleep. 

i choose yes to the crying and anguish that comes with loving so much it tries to kill you. 

i choose yes to all of it. 

i certainly, absolutely, and joyfully choose yes.

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i am embracing being embraced with emily and friends. :)
and linking up with...


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p.s. i would never want to make it sound like i generalize not having babies with being selfish. the call of a mother's heart is mysterious and magical and arrives in many different ways for different women... and some perhaps not at all. selfishness can be slayed through many ways... not just surviving nurse duty through the 24 hour stomach flu or mastering nursing a newborn while entertaining a toddler.--- just in case you thought i was getting all bossy with the babies. ;)