in which i initiate the ugly cry.

oh friends.
i have this big giant thing to tell you.
and yet i'm scared because it feels as if the moment i let it pass through my lips the reality of it will crystallize and the slippery slope of action will open before me.
i stand on the brink of that slope.
i curl here on my couch, in the house i have made a home, in the town that grew me up, and it's all about to change.

we are moving.
not down the street. not across town. not anywhere near.
but very very far.
maryland.

my fingers struggle to type that.
for i have been surprised.
i have been surprised by love for a place that felt like a prison on so many days.
nebraska.

i can't talk about it yet without crying. 
i love my house.
i love my friends.
i love my church.
i love my town.
i love this little life i lead here.

there were moments i didn't think i could say yes. i'm still scared. 
scared is code for complete and total emotional basket case.
i know this is what we are supposed to do and yet. and yet. and yet.
   and yet all my babies learned to walk on these wood floors. this house cradled us as we became a family.
   and yet i can walk to the library, a little main street parade and the neighborhood park all in the same morning. i can still hear my alma mater's canon boom during football games while i sit on my front porch swing.. this town has grown me up.
   and yet my friends are 'just stop by' friends. oh how i longed and prayed for them. and now they live in my heart and in my neighborhood.
   and yet my church is a place i love to go. full of people who i love to see. and  there is so much promise and potential and genuine goodness it smells like spring over there.

oh.. the 'and yet' is killing me.

i will get there. i will get happy. my heart will match my head.
right now i am grieving the goodbye.
and diving head first into the ugly cry.
i love you people.
yes you.
you nebraska people.
you should know... i claim you. and i love you. and some time while i wasn't looking i think i became one of you.
i'm from nebraska. kind of. ;)  

so how about some sweetness to soften the blow?
yes?

nella found her toes. and now they live in her mouth.

also. these are her three main faces:

interested...

interested and mildly amused..

and generally happy.

and luci likes to sing on the potty.

and has crazy good dog energy.

seriously.. like a little dog whisperer.

these are the random facts for your sunday afternoon. :)

since i can't yet bring myself to talk about the big stuff. 

i will speak of the things i know.

 sleeping babies...about to become big kids.

surprise naps in delicious light, wrapped in nubby blankets.

the last moments of littleness. 

eyelashes that reach to the moon and back.

it's going to be okay. i know this.

mommas have been asked to do harder things since the dawn of time.

i will uncurl my clenched fingers and unfurl my comfortable heart.

 i know who holds my story.

and He writes the one i want to live.