somewhere in between

I had a dream about this space.
This little Internet space that means nothing but holds the trail of who I am. The best and worst of where I've been. The trips and trials, the heart crushing precious of it all.
In my dream she was gone. Disappeared. Unable to be found.
Somehow I knew she had died the death of neglect.. And i had killed her with my silence. In her slip to obscurity she had brought with her my real memory... All my memories were covered with an excruciating haze... as if they actually had happened to someone I read a book about.
    Once upon a time a woman loved her man in a little yellow house on a street far away and they loved their babies with all that they had. And she laughed and she cried and she loved and she fought and all the while she was showered in the grace of a savior who loved more than she knew and redeemed her days, one by one.

But it wasn't a book I read. It's my story and something about recording it here brings me next to the overwhelming heart of it. And that's why I think I have been unable.. Unwilling to come here.   I haven't been able to bring myself to look over my shoulder. See the pictures. Hear my heart. This little space of internet.. The examination of life.. The celebration of beauty..the stripping bare of pretense.

 I can't hide here.

Once upon a time my life made a lot of sense.
Not perfect, but... predictable. In order.
Context matched the content and the story was a good one.
Now it feels like those first few chapters of a new book where you have no idea what's going on.
Who are these people? Why do they do it like this? Where's the grocery store? How can I throw a one year old birthday party when I haven't unpacked my party box? ;)

I have grown in ways that going back is impossible. You can't go home again.
I have airdropped into a foreign land, full of strangers and am not totally sure why. I still feel like I'm on a long vacation.

Caught out in the in betweens without a home.
I am a naked hermit crab.  ;)

But naked hermit crab or not... I miss you blog.
I miss you so much I am hen pecking on my phone while uttering silent curses over my unhappy laptop.
I miss you.
Instagram has softened the silence... But I still miss you.
And so my laptop I will fix.
My silence I will break.
Our story I will write.
My homelessness I will remember.

And in so doing... I think I might find...
That for today, for right now... somewhere in between is exactly where I need to be.


P.s.   shall we catch up? I finally laid to rest my flip phone (and was told it was so old I couldn't even donate it to the homeless. Which in a strange way made it even harder to give up. A little something I like to call anti-pride. Being prideful about not being prideful. It's a struggle. ;)) but I have fallen hook line and sinker for my iPhone and have been an instagrammin fool this summer. And now I'm the annoying friend pressuring all my other friends to do it. So doooooo it. just kidding. If you have a flip phone ride that baby all the way to the end. I'm jealous. But if you aren't that lucky do Instagram. And let us commence liking each others pictures and creating witty hashtags. ;)
It's a good time. :)