no guarantees

so there is always a reason...
i am still here-- still pregnant-- still ready... or so i thought.

i realized that maybe i wasn't quite as ready as i thought i was.
one of the amazing things about birth is that not only is it a
physical marathon, it is an
emotional purification and a
spiritual depthfinder
unlike anything else i have experienced. it truly takes you to the end of yourself...

one of the things that often happens is that any unnamed baggage, trauma, or unresolved fears come rising to the surface (or should i say cervix? :))  i think i maybe had a few of those---

grayson's birth was hard. it was wonderful and beautiful and perfect right up to the point i went to the hospital. we labored in the hotel room from about 1 pm- 6 pm and it was perfection. we had this whirlpool tub that was amazing and i still remember laying on the bed in the afternoon, the sun hitting my back through every contraction and being able to almost believe i was really on a gorgeous beach... it was wonderful. the problem was i knew it was going to get hard... i had gone into labor the ONE day/night that the midwives were not on call. i was going to have to have one of the OBs. so when we got to the hospital i was somewhat prepared for the onslaught of ridiculousness. i was already at 7 cm and in hard active labor but the nurses were trying to get my history, trying to get me on the IV that i didn't need and i had to sign the against medical advice papers... they warned me that this OB only delivered in the delivery room--- like i even knew what that meant? well what it meant was that i had to be wheeled through the hall, past the nursery (and a poor, awkward dad just looking for his baby), down to this horrid room with awful bright lights, huge round mirrors, and everyone head to toe in scrubs. what in the world???

my low risk, beautiful midwife attended birth had been hijacked --- and i was angry.

they were trying to do stuff that i was saying no to... i was asking for things they were saying no to. when the doc finally showed up his first words to me were 'well i hope you can deliver the baby yourself, because my back doesn't get in that position.' exuse me???? we fought the entire time--- literally argued while i was trying to push my baby out. nate said later if i had had grayson in biblical times i would have had to name him something that meant 'angry birth'. true.

i am so thankful it was my second birth... that i knew i could say no. that i knew i could fight. but what i guess i never really knew was that i was really sad too. i was sad that i had not been able to give grayson the peaceful entrance into this world that i had so desperately wanted to. i was sad that i had been treated so poorly during what was one of the most special moments of my life. i would guarantee that doctor doesn't think about me or my birth... but i do. that is wrong-- and i had to do business with those memories today.

i realized i have been trying to control this birth so i would not have any chance of being in that situation again. i realized that is why we are going to lincoln where the midwives are always on call. i realized that is why i was desperate to have karen- the midwife that i knew. the thought of having people involved in my birth that don't know me- that i don't know- terrified me.

i had to come back to the knowledge that you do the best with what is before you... i have done what i can. i have made the choices to have the best chance for peace at my birth. but that brings me no guarantees.
birth is out of control.
out of my control.
and that is how it should be....
each birth teaches us something new about ourselves... with arianna i became mother. with grayson i became warrior. this precious baby has a lesson for me--- in order to receive it i HAVE to release the fears, the anger, the sadness.  i need to bring myself whole to this birth.

there is always a reason that God brings you to the end of yourself... so that He can show you how He wants to fill you, shape you, show you... now i am ready. you hear that baby?? :)