beautiful things are fertilized with dead goldfish. true story.

so now you've met nate.
he is so sneaky.

when he told me he had hi-jacked the blog my immediate thought was...
"i'm going to poke you in the eye and pinch you really hard."


this is not surprising to him because the day he asked me to be his girlfriend, my actual response was...
"i think i'm going to throw up."


i have curiously odd emotional reactions to expressed love.


he loves me anyway. 
even though i can be so controlling and independent that when he does sweet things i think of poking him in the eye. that's whacked.


someday soon i want to make a video of us telling how we met and our hairpin twist and turn love story.
it's hilarious.
in an 'i can't believe you two are actually married and in love' kind of way.
kids who fall in love when they are 19 and 21 are funny.
in particular when you have emotional response issues like me and and an ego the size of texas like nate. (for the record it's now down to a reasonable new england state size.. approximately vermont. ;))


there were moments in our early married life that i would have sworn i was on crack when i thought marrying him was a good idea. and honestly-- he wasn't that bad. he was as bad as i was.
we were selfish and immature and bossy. me in particular.


have you heard this song by gungor that's playing? i'm sure you have.
it is straight to the heart of why i love Jesus.
because he does that. he really does.
he takes  broken, empty fields and plants beautiful seeds.
and then he stays.
he stays there next to you. he teaches you how to care for something. how to protect it. how to honor it.
he is a life giver.
he breathes life into love.


nate and i are in love today because he made something beautiful out of the dust.
and i am so grateful.

(attack of the awkward hand pose. can we just pretend i was pregnant here to make it less awkward? sounds good to me. :))


.................................
i have several deep, heart wrenching posts sitting on the tip of my tongue.
but i find myself staring at the wall, saying a lot of nothing these days.
my hearts all a tumble and my camera is hiding out on creative strike.

i actually put on my sunglasses, laid on the floor, and stared at the lights in my inlaws living room ceiling, pretending it was the sun earlier this afternoon.

that wasn't particularly helpful... but i also wasn't particularly hopeful that it would be.

there are times for golden silence... and so here i sit... 
with my vague thoughts and less than revealing prose to accompany them. 
i hate when people do that.
i could skip it.. but it seems less than authentic to not at least acknowledge where my heart is these days. yet wisdom says not every story is meant to be sifted in the public eye.


i have stampedes of cliches running through my head..
forest for the trees, eggs in baskets, definition of insanity, baby and the bathwater..
they're all in there...trumpeting their half truths and simple charms.


but the one that has settled down into my bones is this..

Source: Uploaded by user via Lauren on Pinterest

it seems my fear and faith have grown side by side. 
like two goldfish competing for the same space, they match each other word for word and deed for deed.


in the name of balance. in the name of safety. in the name of it's just easier.


but 'it's just easier' doesn't seem like a name i should hang my hope on...
and safe and balanced in the end just feels empty.


i'm not sure... being a semi-vegetarian and all.. but i think i'm ready to kill a greedy goldfish named fear...
i have a feeling, that he is the fertilizer my beautiful things field is crying out for.
it's time to let faith have the whole pond. 
not just the shallow end.. or the part without the clingy moss.. or the part without the jagged rocks... 
but the whole thing.