so it's been a month. how are you?
the delete key is broken on my computer which i find ironic ... since one reason i haven't been on here is for fear my internal delete key is also broken. thus the silence. which is better than opening my mouth without a delete key... maybe? ;)
i also have several keyboard letters broken but since i can't type them you will just have to figure out which ones those are. :)
so computer usage is kind of annoying... i don't feel like i can really talk about stuff that i want to talk about and my sister was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. icing on the crapola cake. how are you? :)
somehow i feel so old and so young in the very same breath.
i have tried to conjure complete sentences to write in stone here. but i just don't have them yet.
when i was in high school and was misunderstood by generally the world and mostly myself i would run to my room and listen to my music. this is the international symbol for teenage angst right? i'm not alone here? the cranberries, dave matthews band, sarah machlachlan... they got it. they lived in my head. they made it better somehow.
my friends and i would pour over our mix tape creations crafting just the right mood, just the right title, just the right cover art... we would nail it. there in one mix tape would be the physical representation of my feelings that i didn't know the name for.
so since i can't speak in complete sentences and don't have a delete key i bring to you my mix tape of the last month. i think, i cry, i rally, i dance and then i cry some more... i'm a high school mix tape. :)
.....
can you even handle that? i can't.
my sister will be okay. she will.
one day i'll be able to form complete sentences again. i will.
people will always suck. they will.
God will always have me. He will.
2 days ago
oh, my dear, brave girl. i'm aching with you, and hoping with you both.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Thinking of you. Patty Griffin is my go-to, too. Your words will come back to you. Don't worry.
ReplyDeleteLauren, I could write on and on about how the junk turns u into something
ReplyDeleteBeautiful..... but probably not what u want to hear. Life sucks sometimes and I do know how it feels to not be able to really share what's on your heart. Just know Iam praying for you and your family.
Praying for you as I write. Praying you have someone close at hand to hug, cry on, and see Jesus in. If I was there I would like to be that for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm beginning to think that the older I get, the more God opens my eyes (and my life) to the brokenness. It's a constant reminder that we are so far from home.
ReplyDeleteGood thing the teenage years give us time to practice our angst.
Thanks for the 4 non blondes flashback.
praying for you & your sweet funny sister-twin! xo
ReplyDeleteI pray for strength for you and your sister. My mom and David's both had cancer and it get's even more real when it's close to you and your family. I'm sending a virtual big bear hug to you, Lauren!
ReplyDeletei love beautiful things. the song and also i love beautiful things.
ReplyDeleteand i love when you use your voice and i wish you would just write. just write and say what's in your heart. sometimes the truth is hard to hear but it's good to hear. and i hear a lot of truth in your posts. sometimes it's muted though.
please yell.
i don't know if any of that makes sense.
i'm sorry about your sis. that's hard.
So I first read this last night and I wanted to say something but I didn't know what. The "c" word is something I try to avoid thinking/talking about since so many in may family have battled it. I thought about telling you I would pray (which I will, thought about saying how sorry I am to hear that(but that always just seems so negative to me). So anyways I decided not to say anything until I read Hannah's blog. I'm copy and pasting what she wrote.
ReplyDeleteGrace is what we need just now,
and it is to be had freely.
What can be freer than a gift?
Today we shall receive sustaining,
strengthening, sanctifying, satisfying grace.
He has given daily grace until now,
and as for the future,
that grace is still sufficient.
If we have but little grace
the fault most lie in ourselves;
for the Lord is not straitened,
neither is He slow to bestow it in abundance.
We may ask for as much as we will
and never fear a refusal.
He giveth liberally and upbraideth not.
The Lord may not give gold,
but He will give grace:
He may not give gain,
but He will give grace.
He will certainly send us trial,
but He will give grace in proportion thereto.
We may be called to labor and to suffer,
but with the call there will come
all the grace required.
What an "end" is that in the text -- "and glory!"
We do not need glory yet,
and we are not yet fit for it;
but we shall have it in due order.
After we have eaten the bread of grace,
we shall drink the wine of glory.
We must go through the holy, which is grace,
to the holiest of all, which is glory.
These words and glory are enough
to make a man dance for joy.
A little while -- a little while,
and then glory forever.
{c.h. spurgeon}
I thought of you and your sister. He will give you both His grace to get through this season. You're in my prayers!
Christy
My heart breaks for you and your family. We had our first family experience with cancer last fall. Praying for you, your sister. And yes, sometimes there just aren't words...
ReplyDeletepraying for you, friend!! xoxo
ReplyDeletePraying for your sister, for you, and for more grace, and peace, and love. I am praying now, and I will keep praying.
ReplyDeleteLauren,
ReplyDeleteAs you go through this journey with your sister, you will be amazed and blessed to watch God's hand in action. The distance hurts, I know because my mom went through cancer treatments last fall and I couldn't be there. It is so hard not being there. But you can stand in the gap for her and pray your heart out, just like I did. Each week when I'd call and chat with my mom, she'd tell me of another person that she got to minister to, all because of the cancer and the treatments that she needed. Yeah, it still hurts, just scream out to God over your pain, He wants to carry your burden.
Also, your music player touched my heart today. Beautiful Things by Gungor has been very dear to me since the miscarriage last fall. That song has a way of creeping around the corner and touching my heart right when I need it. So even in your pain, you've managed to bring health and healing to someone else's life. Thanks for that, and for being you Lauren!
Lauren! I am thinking and praying for your sister. I know all to well, the feelings and emotions going through your head, heart and soul.... since I had to go though cancer, chemo and scans with our baby girl Cate. I will hold you close to my heart... if you EVER need anything or to vent, please know my ear and experience is here for you. Hugs to you and your family
ReplyDeletelove you. and i will cry with you and hug you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you Lauren. I have experienced the mind-numbing terror the word cancer injects into your daily life. Going through the journey again with another dear uncle this time. Praying peace over your heart in the midst of the storm. Cling to Him to carry you through it all.
ReplyDeleteoh friend…tears. listening to "beautiful things" on your blog and trusting that God will make this beautiful. lean into Him, our Great Comforter. [ps - i want to text you but now I am not sure if the number i have is yours or nates and i realllllly do not want to text your hubby again - text me! ;)]
ReplyDeletedear one!
ReplyDeletebeautiful music. and gorgeous you.
i agree with jami's comment. yell it, girl.
praying for your sis and you, sending you love and hugs. xo
Hope you are starting to see the sun again..... My thought are with you & look forward to reading your blog again when you are ready to write it!
ReplyDeleteChica...I keep meaning to write something but feel lost as to what to write. I just know that I"m thinking of you and think you are wonderful and feel like I know your sister through all your posts:) It makes me wish I had someone like that to try on clothes and do photo shoots with. I am putting all kinds of good things to the Universe for you all...Thinking of you....TONs...
ReplyDeleteI posted today after seven weeks of silence and had to come back here and see if I beat your record. You come to mind from time to time and I wonder about you and your sister. Not in a nosey sort of way. In a hurting sort of way. I hope my strange and somewhat silly hello brings a smile to your day. That's all.
ReplyDeleteLauren,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear this! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
i miss you, and pray that all that is filling your heart and your hours will end up being hopeful, life-giving stuff. let us know how to pray if you can.
ReplyDeleteLauren. My heart breaks for you. You are in our prayers, your sister and your family.
ReplyDeleteWe are all broken mixed tapes and I'm thankful for your transparency. Music still speaks loudly to me during the greatest and most terrible times. You have been an encouragement to me with this not only through your blog, but also when I was going through one of my toughest times. When hospitalized with bloodclots and told I had a 50/50 chance of survival, you brought me music that you thought would help me through the long days. And it did. You are loved and thank you.
Still praying for you and your sister. :)
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are still in my prayers and thoughts.
ReplyDelete