i've been hiding out.
i've been making up reasons to not blog.
sometimes those reasons are real and sometimes they are as ridiculous as another historical fiction BBC miniseries on netflix.
because... well because...
i've been scared.
silence is safe.
it may not grow me ... but at least it won't hurt me.
i can tell you now that my sister is fine. she had this weird, rare, stage I cancer that after 6 weeks of radiation is gone and hopefully won't ever be back.
i can tell you now that most of my angst and silence was all wrapped up in the heart break that was our church family going through a devastating church split.
i can tell you now that i've seen people do things, say things that i never thought i'd see.
i can tell you now that i think it might be worse to stand by your husband as he is wounded than actually receive the wound yourself.
i can tell you now that if you are one of those people that quit Jesus because you spent some unfortunate quality time with some his followers... i feel you.
but i can also tell you now that we are all broken.
me especially.
i don't always filter my thoughts as well as i filter my mouth.
i can build a wall of i don't cares faster than a poison facebook status can pierce my heart.
i can be judgmental and self righteous and wear a martyrs crown.
i can parade my wounds like gold stars and bandage them meticulously with i told you so's.
i don't love first.
sometimes i don't even want to love first.
i've been bound up tight. sometimes i don't even want to love first.
my words hang with trepidation... this could hurt me.
it's safer behind my wall...
it's safer to smile and nod...
it's safer to keep vulnerable things under glass.
the day is here.
the blog is back. :)
Oh Lauren, how nice to have you back! I was about to email you many times recently but was afraid of intruding. I'm so sorry about all the things you're going through..lit sounds like a pretty rough time you've been facing. May you find strength in your faith and an outlet for your feelings in this blog. I, for one, am all ears (or eyes)!
ReplyDeleteglad you're writing again.
ReplyDeleteSO glad you are back! We have been praying. We know no details but knew to pray.
ReplyDeleteYeaaaaaa
ReplyDeleteHooray!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love this day. I've missed you, friend.
ReplyDeletebeautiful!! thrilled to "see" you, darling. continuing to pray xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou've been missed. And, thought about often. :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're back!
ReplyDeleteHooray! I'm so glad you are back...and I am so glad your sister is ok. Thank you for your honesty and awesomeness!
ReplyDeleteloving your writing voice and the rawness of its beauty.
ReplyDeletehave a giveaway goin' on here:
http://hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com/2012/07/summer-sale-giveaway.html
and hope you win!
michele
welcome back dirfriend, come on in the water's fine:)
ReplyDeleteSo glad to see that you're up and about in blogland again.
ReplyDeleteRifts in the church are so, so painful. We all are so flawed---and a bunch of flawed people together can be a giant mess, but also the huge opportunity to walk in grace. Prayers for you, your husband, and your church family.
Good to have you back, wounds and all. (waving hello)
ReplyDeleteYay! Glad to hear your sister is doing fine. I always look forward to your posts!
ReplyDeleteLauren. I am so glad you are back. Praying for you. Fervently.
ReplyDeleteOne summer camp I was encouraged with - Do what is hard.
If it's easy, you probably aren't doing the right thing. (The Fray has a lyric about this, but that came after!) Anyway, I don't know if this is even a coherent thought/comment, but be encouraged through the HARD.
Lean into Jesus. He is MUCH stronger than you are, and he is gladly going to carry your burdens.
So much love your way friend.
You write it so well and so real. Thank you. I have had to stand by my husband for horrible things people have said and it is so painful. I wanted to to staple every self-righteous mouth that slandered him and yell, "how can you call yourself s Christian?" Silence and Forgiveness are so much more difficult, but I want Grace extended to me.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. Life is so hard sometimes.
Yes, I too have missed your writing! I've been praying for your family especially the past few months. I know it hasn't been easy to say the least. You are thought of often and prayed for often, friend! Glad to have you back and glad to hear your sis is okay!
ReplyDeleteFrom time to time I have thought... "what happened to Lauren?" But seeing as you and I only know each other through blogging, I couldn't just pick up the phone or write you a note. Glad you are around. Praying To the one who is able to do far more than we could ever hope or imagine. To the one who builds the mountains and moves them where they should go. To the one who cares for every need, the big and the small. To the one who has written our story and knows the great end. I am praying to Him... for you.
ReplyDeletei hear you, my friend. we've walked this sort of thing too, and the devastation just makes me ache. i'm glad you're back.
ReplyDeleteYAY... I've been waiting!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you had to go through all that pain. I know what it's like to hurt. . . . deeply. Some of the pain from your own choices but some inflicted by those you once considered a brother or sister in Christ. May you find that trying to "love first" opens your understanding to the pain others are carrying and gives you the opportunity to respond with compassion.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are back!
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear your sister is doing well.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about your church, so very sorry.
BUT very happy to see you writing again :) :)
I hope time continues to heal wounds.
My heart hurts for you to read this. Sometimes, Christians can really do a bad job of being God's hands and feet as we should. We are human, after all. I pray everything works together for good for you and your family- remember His promises! People forsake, God never will.
ReplyDeleteWelcome back, beautiful. Glad to "read" you again. :-)
ReplyDeletewelcome back
ReplyDeletegood to hear your voice.
i've been gone too...no real reasons though other then laziness...and enjoying my girls and summer too much to bother!!!:) i guess those kind of count as reasons though huh??:)
have a happy day lauren