how to turn 32

i purposefully got myself depressed friday night.
it just felt like the right thing to do.
this song called to me.
remember to pause the player at the bottom of the page...
i am not completely sure what the first verse is about.. a mom, overwhelmed i think.. i get the part about sometimes giving up and going back for a rest on the couch. i hear ya patty. it's the second verse that kills me. the part about how i live too many miles from the ocean. and getting older and odd. and how she's wearing footprints into the floor and someday she won't be here anymore and someone who will wonder who came before. oh man.. i'm telling you. kills me.
every so often i feel that feeling that slides up my backbone... it's time to get my cry on. it's time to wallow... just for a little bit. so i give myself permission to go down... go deep... go to the places that on most days scurry out of the light and happy my life is so sweet it makes me shudder stuff.

i am getting older. i think maybe i am getting odd. in a fun and quirky way maybe.. but still.. odd. i do live too many miles from the ocean... as in even if i tried i couldn't live further from the sand that feels like home. these 100 year old wood floors that hold my toil and sweat.. that my babies have learned to crawl and walk on... one day it won't be mine and the people who live here won't even know... just like i don't know whose hands layed these floors.

we are but a breath. a vapor. a flower quickly fading.

one day i will have a body that doesn't work like it's supposed to. one day my babies will grow up and leave me. one day i will bury my parents. one day my children will cry as they bury me and i won't be there to hold them and wipe their tears.

these thoughts wreck me. when i travel down to where they live... down past the 'we all die' and the 'that's just life' quips. when i let those actual scenarios becomes as heavy in my head as my babe is in my arms. they wreck me.

death.

that morose thread that weaves together the human experience. the one thing that brings us together, that reminds me i'm human and like every other human before me... i am temporary.
this breath, this life... temporary.

i go down and walk dark halls to remind myself lest i forget.
i know in whom i've put my trust.
i know in whom i've put my trust.
He holds my beginning and my end.
there is no life too good, too fun, too sweet, too full, too perfect... to end.
i know in whom i've put my trust.

i turned 32 in the shadows. and that felt good.
i am drawn in to the joy, the wonder, the awe of life so naturally... that in order to keep my teeter totter balanced i often have to purposely pile the other side... bring it down, get comfortable on it, let it sit heavy beneath me.
but then i am always called back up... up to life. to color. to laughter. to... the happy birthday song.
and since it is the happy birthday song and not the oh sad i am that much closer to dying song...
let's talk birthday. :)

my day started with a special message from my peeps...

 arianna's note that she was very proud she did all by herself... she knows how to spell 'love'-- she says she prefers to spell it like 'luv'... next she'll be saying 4 eva  and myob. heaven help me.

 a typical heart by ari-- that really resembles a rump more than a heart. again-- she knows how to do it the real way and yet likes them better like this. which i find amusing so i let it go.. kind of like how she says 'ligaroom' instead of 'livingroom'. funny stuff. :)

and then this video ushered in our morning kitchen dance party...which grayson arrived out of his bed stark naked for. with no explanation. when asked about his state of nudity we were loudly urged to "no!!! don't talk about it!" er... sure why not.



as we learned at arianna's birthday, we have a rule that birthday person gets to pick the colors of dress that day. i randomly picked blue for them to wear. unbeknownst to me nate's beloved huskers were playing kansas that day whose colors are blue. i maintain i have no idea when the huskers play let alone who they play so unless my subconscious is a miracle worker this was just a lovely accident. if you are not from around here you may not realize the depth of devotion this area has to their huskers... being seen out in opposing team's colors could lose you friends, respect, invitations to people's houses who bought the game on pay per view. but he braved the glaring stares and wore his blue proudly. i chose red to wear... so that we could keep at least most of our friends. ;)

the fam took me out to get a cinnamon roll and coffee before hitting up target. sidenote: they were selling walnut bacon rolls instead of cinnamon rolls! um-- ew? if you like bacon on your cinnamon rolls you have a problem.. i'm just saying.

target... i was supposed to find something that 'made me feel fun' as my present. i got a new carseat for the kids. that didn't really make me feel fun. i bought this hat off the clearance rack. that does make me feel fun. and makes me feel like i want a vacation on an isle of something or other. any isle will do i think.

 ruby tuesday salad bar, raspberry lemonade and free birthday veggie burger minis. yum.

while the kids were taking their naps nate made me my favorite cookies. mutigrain chocolate chip cookies... they are somewhat labor intensive... but something this good for you and manages to taste this amazing is allowed to be a little high maintenance...
while he was doing that i was sent off for some alone time... whatever i wanted... alone. uh yeah. best husband gift ever. so i went to antique stores. and stood next to really breakable things. just because i could. and i got a great metal crate tray thing for 9.50... and i love him. he will be in a future before and after picture so we will wait to meet him.

we finished off the night going to a wedding which i maybe would not have picked BUT it did mean i didn't have to cook or clean up. bonus. we were waiting to dance but it was getting too late and when grayson starts saying he just wants to go to bed... you know it's time to leave. ari was pretty sad about missing all the fun so we had our own dance party on the coffee table...

and THAT is how you turn 32. :)